|What is BDSM;
Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) is any situation where people - of their own free will and choice - magnify the personal power elements between them and act this out for their pleasure. This may be sexual pleasure, but it does not always have to be.
Are there different forms of BDSM?
Yes there are many different forms of BDSM. The two main forms are these:
• Lifestyle BDSM - This is the form where partners embed BDSM elements in their relationship in some way.
• Kink or fetish BDSM - This is the form where people, occasionally, seek to use power elements, predominantly for their sexual pleasure, without turning it into a lifestyle.
One is not more important, or more real, than the other. The two forms are just different. Quite often people grow from "kink" to "lifestyle"
Why is there such a social stygma on BDSM?
A significant part of the general public opinion on BDSM is based on very outdated information, such the over 100 years old "Psychopatia Sexualis" (written by R. von Kraft-Ebing at the end of the 19th century) and research by S. Freud in the early 20th century. Also, xenophobia (fear of the unknown) plays an important role when it comes to the general opinion about BDSM and so does ill-informed coverage of the subject by excess-oriented media. Lack of reliable, dilligent scientific research on the subject also plays a part in this. Most research was done by therapists, seeking to promote themselves or their "therapy" rather than thoroughly researching the phenomena as such.
I hear people who are very dominant in real life are submissive in bed. Is this true?
The fairy tale about high profile politicians or managers seeking to be submissive in bed originates from prostitutes ("commercial mistresses") trying to promote their services. Fact of the matter is that there is no proven connection between general social behavior and sexual behavior. Sexual behavior is a very individual thing, hence very different for individual people.
Are there any standard BDSM concepts?
Several BDSM concepts are more or less standard and generally accepted. These are:
• Safe, sane and consensual - Whatever you (plan to) do, be aware of what you are about to enter into and how to perform your actions with relative physical and psycholigical safety. BDSM is best compared to extreme sports. Full safety as well as trying to exclude or prevent all risks is impossible, which is why the more modern approach is called RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
• Next, what you do should be sane. Ordering your submissive partner to jump off a 25 story building is NOT sane, hence is not BDSM, but (power) abuse
• A better term for consensual is informed and voluntary (in this order), meaning that both partners should have a reasonable understanding of what they are about to enter into, the potential risks and consequences of their actions. They should enter into this of their own free will. A simple "yes" is often not enough, since this may simply be the result of sexual or other arrousal, the will to please or not wanting to spoil the fun.
The safeword BDSM concept is an emergency break, designed to allow partners to stop the action whenever there is an emergency or something becomes too scary, annoying, threatening or otherwise inappropriate.
When agreed upon safewords are SACRED and should be respected at all times. Safewords can be anything. They were designed because such things as "ouch", "stop", or
"no..no..no" may have a very different meaning in a steamy scene. Hence people will pick odd words, like "strawberry" or "tugboat". Using the colors of a traffic light is a widely used form of safewording.
The exact word or phrase and what it means are negociated and established PRIOR to any action and the dominant regularly checks if his or her partner remembers the safeword or wants to use it. Safewords by the way can be used by all partners involved.
Taking ownership of your actions
Whatever it is, you entered into, you made that decision and you are responsible for the consequences of your own decisions. If it did not work out the way you envisaged, you only have yourself to blame. If you overlooked an important detail that is YOUR fault, nobody elses. If you screw up, you screw up.
You negociate what it is you want and do not want to do PRIOR to the event. Negociation is a form of communication to establish common ground and common interests, turn ons and turn offs in order to create the best possible options for both.
What about common sense?
BDSM is something for adult, well-adjusted, reasonably educated people. However, hormones, the action, the desires, the lust, the anxiety, the atmosphere all tend to get in the way, when it comes to common sense. Regular evaluation and communication - in an open and honest way and preferably outside the role-specific situation is a helpful BDSM concept. Regular communication is paramount.
When it comes to BDSM concepts nothing is carved in stone. People change, situations change, desires change. As you progress you learn, you adept, you discover. Especially newcomers have a tendency to have very explicit opinions about what should and should not be done. More experienced people already know that things, people and their opinions, needs and boundaries, change over time.
At BDSM Hardcore we not only agree with the above we practice it